Christmas blues...

I haven't updated since Christmas because the story I am about to tell is so sad and depressing, I didn't want to bother with it. But, I must.

The Christmas Morning from HELL

I was such a breezy, cheerful, full of Christmas Spirit angel with curly hair and furry white sweater and arm-loads of Christmas presents a moment ago. Laughing at Baby opening all his toy guns, joyfully giving The Boyfriend armloads of thoughful, sweet gifts just for him. (A dartboard cabinet, for his favorite hobby; a lime and 6-pack of Corona, his favorite drink; a pack of playing cards--the thing we did with friends as we fell in love; a giant Special Dark Hershey's bar, his favorite candy; and a black cashmere scarf to keep him warm and to go with his new formal overcoat)
But wait, it is time for me to open my present. Why is he shuffling around, mumbling? Why is his best friend yelling at him to get it over with--rip off the bandaid, he roars!--and give it to me?
Why is HE, the BOYFRIEND, practically in tears, opening my present, while explaining it to me???
Because, it is the ultimate let-down. A giftcard. for. the. mall.
(Oh, and some Bath and Bodyworks products that smell like the aforementioned Corona)
Not a gift "for me" at all, just some random present thrown in my direction. FELT LIKE CRYING. FELT LIKE TEARING HIS HEAD FROM HIS BODY AND SHOVING IT DOWN RESULTING GAPING NECK HOLE. FELT LIKE CRYING SOME MORE.
BUT, don't get me wrong. There is a reason he did so poorly at the gift-giving, and it's a doozy!
He.... waited until Christmas eve to go to the mall because he had a plan and KNEW what he was going to get me. Only, what the crap??? Did anyone know Coach purses are EXPENSIVE???
Then, because he couldn't afford the gift he wanted to get me, he panicked, he couldn't think, he rushed to the nearest customer service desk and... bought me a gift card.

Later on, Franny yelled at The Boyfriend--"She doesn't even like Bath and Body Works, what were you thinking?!"
Responds the Boyfriend: "But, Stephanie, at work, said girls love B and BW!"
Franny: "GIRLS!!! Stephanie is 17. Women do not shop at B and BW! Didn't you even go look in her room, right next door, and see what she wears?!"
The Boyfriend: "Have you ever been in B and BW? There were too many smells!!! I couldn't figure it out, they all started smelling the same!"

To tell you the truth, I felt really bad for him. I personally have never procrastinated and panicked in the gift-giving area, but I can see how it could happen. Especially with the first Christmas.

Franny told me later that her now-husband, The Boyfriend's Best Friend, got her the worst gift ever for their first Christmas--a tentlike blue-flowered dress off the clearance rack at Fashion Bug that was 2 sizes too small--which she opened in front of her entire family and upon seeing, promptly blurted out: "You got me a...dress?" Franny never wears dresses, especially not blue-tent-flower dresses. (He got it because he thought she'd look pretty in a blue dress with her blue eyes.)

So maybe there's hope afterall. Valentine's Day is coming soon!! heehee!

crash and burn at janeh928@yahoo.com

Will Opposites Attract? The official question continues...

I am dating the GRINCH. I realize as I write this that I don't often say nice things about my very cute boyfriend. That's bad. He is very sweet and nice to me sometimes. He makes sure my car windows are defrosted in the morning, and eats the food on my plate I can't finish, and calls me "baby" and gives me kisses. All that good stuff.
BUT, he is the Grinch. He does not love Christmas, no he does not.
He hates it.
He doesn't want to go to any holiday parties, or to wake up early, or sing carols, or even wrap the presents he buys people. He doesn't like visiting family. He doesn't like holiday food. He doesn't care about luminaries or wreathes or mistletoe or twinkle lights. He doesn't enjoy snow.

I love it all, the baking, the decorating, the partying, the wrapping, the snug blankets and hot chocolate in front of the roaring fire...the LOVE. The presents giving and receiving. The midnight mass. Snow piled to the top of the roof (I wish). The memories present, future, past. I love it all.

So we make a funny pair. The tree goes up, and I stand in rapture, dazzled by its glory. He wants to know whether the fake snow is going to stain the carpet. (By the way, not even his carpet.)

If I don't see some improvement, I'm winging a brandy-soaked fruitcake at his head.

i've mostly been nice. just a little naughty at janeh928@yahoo.com

So sorry...

Do I never talk to you anymore? Are you waiting to hear about my great adventures and not finding anything? I apologize. Blame it on the moving.

I am going to be living with my boyfriend now. Weird. But good. He's very cute, so I can't complain. Also, he likes me to be around, and I can't say I mind his company too much either.

We're throwing a Christmas party for our friends. In the midst of my moving in. And work has been hell. For both of us. He manages a grocery store--the people go crazy about the food this time of year. And don't even get me started on the night a storm rolls in.

(SIDEBAR: What the HELL, people??? You live in the middle of a suburb, with roadcrews and nothing but grocery stores on every corner, very well-stocked grocery stores. You don't need to stock up for the apocalypse every time you see a cloud. The plows will be out shortly and you will NOT starve to death. At the very most, you will be stuck in your house for an HOUR. Do you really need to buy all the milk in the store?)

So more later.

peace out panicked people at janeh928@yahoo.com

The Leopard Print Slingbacks also come in handy when...

You go to an awards ceremony:
I just swept the category in hard-hitting news at the Hoosier State Press Association annual luncheon. Three first place awards, one third place, and finalist for story of the year.
I am positive it can all be accounted for by the shoes.
Also, I told you I could write like a mad-woman. When I try.
I got more awards than anybody. And our paper won the General Excellence award for the second year in a row.

In other news: Have I said anything lately about my boyfriend? NO??? Well, that's because he is a workaholic around Christmas time and I have seen him for approximately .0000001 nanoseconds this whole month.
I hate that.
But I love awards!

Today, I rock the Leopard Print Slingbacks!

I am so kick-ass! I just stood up to my publisher-a slimy, low-life, expensive suit and car, hot air balloon owning, moral-free creep--and told him I would NOT change the wording in my story to fit his views.
I stood up to him and told him it was unethical, then did a little dance as his soul "MELL-ted" into the carpet like the wicked witch of the west.
I was ANGRY, because later he showed up at a board meeting and spoke against the building project I am writing about, in front of all these public officials. That looks so bad, for the pubisher to take sides in a public manner like that. Newspapers are supposed to be fair and impartial.
If he thinks he's gonna win, he's crazy.
My hair is dyed sassy-ass red right now, like Mary Jane on Spiderman, and my Leopard Print Slingback Victory Shoes give me super powers.
I am the bad-guy's nightmare- I write with a mighty keystroke for the sake of justice!!!

hahaaha!! don't mess with a lady at janeh928@yahoo.com