Monday, August 29, 2005


My sister, the Sea Hag, diva supreme of the family, went to college for her junior year this week. She's living in an apartment instead of the dorms for the first time and, well, acted like it was the Hilton, or like SHE was a Hilton.
First, there was the fight about her bed--she wanted to bring her entire bed to college: mattress, box spring, head and foot board, canopy, royal bejeweled step stool, etc... but the thing would not fit into our dad's van and still leave room for all her other belongings (AKA, shoes). She realizes this and begins to stomp and pout, saying, "Yeah well this wouldn't have been a problem if you'd just hired a moving van like I wanted you to." Right. And when is your pink convertible arriving, madam? Can I get a sparkling water for the miniature dog you carry around in your Louis Vuitton satchel??
We decided just to take the mattress, like every other college student.
"Whatever," she says. "It's going to look SO tacky."
Then, as everyone else began to pack up the car, my sister decides now is the perfect time to take a shower, because she is hot and sweaty. We ALL are hot and sweaty, and only have an hour until the designated time to leave. Everyone begins arguing with her about taking a shower after she gets done with all the moving and unpacking and heavy lifting, but to no avail... she dashes into the bathroom and spends the next hour primping and preening while all of us continue to load up the van.
She comes out on the porch, perfect hair and makeup, cute outfit, takes a look at all the sweaty, disgruntled faces around her, and says, "Wow, it's all ready? Let's go! I brought out a water for everybody."
Well thanks, Paris. You are just so thoughtful!

because in college, everyone has a butler and a performing chimp at:


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